Thursday, May 30, 2013

To Be Honest

To be honest, life since I last posted hasn't been the easiest. My Dad passed away 2 weeks after having Ethan. I was able to spend a little time here and there down visiting in that time but I was still recovering, bleeding, feeling like a dairy cow, and adjusting to 4 boys, ah! Then the next few days before the funeral were a blur and rush, and more emotional blur. A few days after that, most of my family while Ryan was still here went to the temple with my Mom. I'm so glad we were able to do that, and have those thoughts and feelings that were so needed for me and I'm sure my family at the time. Then, finally after all the events were over and life had to go back to normal, I just wanted to rest and be at home and selfishly still have my "lazy just had a baby time." And I did. Aaron started his busy season at work which means he leaves early, comes home late and the boys don't usually see him during the week. It's my single parent mode time of year. Needless to say my boys were honestly in bed with the sun still out before 8 o'clock. It was my only sanity. And then I would sit and cry and hold Ethan and watch movies until Aaron got home. I watched a lot of movies and shows from Netflix because watching movies was an escape. I wasn't thinking about reality, it would almost numb me to just thinking about the movie. I didn't really want to go anywhere or talk to people because I knew what they would ask and I knew I would cry. Texting worked great. A couple weeks later somehow amidst my pitty party that I was quite enjoying, we got really low on groceries. I finally had to get back into my routine and actually get some groceries and cook real dinners. I called Aaron one morning to let him know that we were on our way down to Ogden to go shopping. He sighed and said oh thank heavens. I didn't think it was that bad, but apparently he was waiting for the day for me to get back to my usual self. So with my four boys we made our usual trip to Costco and usually WalMart or Target with lunch at Wendy's. It's our usual shopping routine and my boys actually do really well in the stores. Usually, not always. But on this particular day, they did indeed do well. Life felt normal again. A few days later I was still staying home with Ethan while Aaron took the other boys to church because somehow Ethan got a cough and cold. I really wanted to go to church though and just feel that spirit there and listen to a lesson. But since I was stuck at home instead I decided to get out my manual and start preparing for my next Relief Society lesson that I had to teach. Chapter 9: Sacred Family Relationships. I don't know if there could have been a more fitting lesson for me to have looked at at the time. It helped me to refocus on the eternal persective of our family relationships, and obviously I thought about my Dad a lot and my own little family. I have no doubt about where my Dad is or what he's doing. It's still just hard when unexpected things trigger memories and I get teared up or choked up missing him. I honestly don't know how my Mom does it, all I can say is that she is amazing in so many ways. Life now has gotten much better. There are definitely unexpected experiences where I realize it's a first without my Dad being there or Grandpa not being there for my boys and those are still hard. But life does go on and in many ways I know my Dad is here close by. It's getting easier to talk about old times with "Papa Roy" with my boys so that they will remember things about him. Happy is where I'm trying to be now, and for the most part I think I am. Who wouldn't be with knowing what we know, I'll see him again!