Mom!

I've been thinking a lot about my role as a Mom lately.  A good book on this subject is Covenant Motherhood, just fyi.  I've always felt it's been important and glad that I can be home with them, but in the last week something finally clicked.  Ever since Tatton started Kindergarten I have been giving it a lot more thought.  His school schedule has positively brought more structure to our day and I finally feel a really good sense of assurance of why I'm doing what I do everyday.  It was SO hard to send Tatton to school.  He's gone to preschool the past 2 years so you'd think this was no big deal for me, but no!  For some reason knowing he's at that big school with big kids, seeing his little head sitting on the huge bus seat just ripped my heart to pieces and brought many tears to my eyes.  All I can do is trust that the Lord will be watching over my little guy when as a Mom I physically cannot.  I remember as a kid my mom worked and I always was sad when my friends talked about their mom being home when they got off the bus.  When I was really little my mom was the secretary at the seminary so a lot of times I'd just walk there after school, and thinking back about it, it was pretty fun.  As I got older she worked at a condo/resort so sometimes I'd go there after school and was able to watch movies, play pool, play tennis or go swimming thanks to the access to the clubhouse and swimming pool.  I really can't complain because those were some fun days too.  Don't get the wrong idea, my mom was the best and I wasn't scarred for life or anything.  And now that I'm older I completely understand that I'm sure she had to work with having 8 kids, especially feeding the appetite of 6 boys!  But it still made an impact on me and I have made it a goal, and always wanted to be a mom that was home to send my kids off to school, and be there when they got home with a cute little after school snack waiting for them and being able to talk to them about their day and what they learned and help them with homework right away.  I feel really blessed and so grateful to Aaron that I'm able to do that and I feel overwhelmed with a new found responsibility to my boys' education and nurturing.  That's what clicked with me the other day as I watched little Tatton get off the bus with his backpack on that's almost bigger than him!  It was honestly like someone shouted in my ear: This is why I'm here! I'm home to be there for them and try and be the best mom I can be for my little guys.  We've taken on a whole new schedule and routine here at our house and I'm loving it.  We have our share of days when I feel like I accomplished absolutely nothing and the house is a mess and I swear all I hear during the day is mom, mom, mom, mom, but I'm glad I at least feel at the end of the day a new sense of purpose of being a Mom to these 4 little gentlemen.  It's good to be uplifted every once in awhile amidst the chaos and feel like you're doing an ok job because I know for myself, most the time I feel the opposite.  The emotions I think are going to start all over tomorrow though because Lincoln starts preschool... this whole mom thing keeps getting tougher and tougher!

    

To Be Honest

To be honest, life since I last posted hasn't been the easiest. My Dad passed away 2 weeks after having Ethan. I was able to spend a little time here and there down visiting in that time but I was still recovering, bleeding, feeling like a dairy cow, and adjusting to 4 boys, ah! Then the next few days before the funeral were a blur and rush, and more emotional blur. A few days after that, most of my family while Ryan was still here went to the temple with my Mom. I'm so glad we were able to do that, and have those thoughts and feelings that were so needed for me and I'm sure my family at the time. Then, finally after all the events were over and life had to go back to normal, I just wanted to rest and be at home and selfishly still have my "lazy just had a baby time." And I did. Aaron started his busy season at work which means he leaves early, comes home late and the boys don't usually see him during the week. It's my single parent mode time of year. Needless to say my boys were honestly in bed with the sun still out before 8 o'clock. It was my only sanity. And then I would sit and cry and hold Ethan and watch movies until Aaron got home. I watched a lot of movies and shows from Netflix because watching movies was an escape. I wasn't thinking about reality, it would almost numb me to just thinking about the movie. I didn't really want to go anywhere or talk to people because I knew what they would ask and I knew I would cry. Texting worked great. A couple weeks later somehow amidst my pitty party that I was quite enjoying, we got really low on groceries. I finally had to get back into my routine and actually get some groceries and cook real dinners. I called Aaron one morning to let him know that we were on our way down to Ogden to go shopping. He sighed and said oh thank heavens. I didn't think it was that bad, but apparently he was waiting for the day for me to get back to my usual self. So with my four boys we made our usual trip to Costco and usually WalMart or Target with lunch at Wendy's. It's our usual shopping routine and my boys actually do really well in the stores. Usually, not always. But on this particular day, they did indeed do well. Life felt normal again. A few days later I was still staying home with Ethan while Aaron took the other boys to church because somehow Ethan got a cough and cold. I really wanted to go to church though and just feel that spirit there and listen to a lesson. But since I was stuck at home instead I decided to get out my manual and start preparing for my next Relief Society lesson that I had to teach. Chapter 9: Sacred Family Relationships. I don't know if there could have been a more fitting lesson for me to have looked at at the time. It helped me to refocus on the eternal persective of our family relationships, and obviously I thought about my Dad a lot and my own little family. I have no doubt about where my Dad is or what he's doing. It's still just hard when unexpected things trigger memories and I get teared up or choked up missing him. I honestly don't know how my Mom does it, all I can say is that she is amazing in so many ways. Life now has gotten much better. There are definitely unexpected experiences where I realize it's a first without my Dad being there or Grandpa not being there for my boys and those are still hard. But life does go on and in many ways I know my Dad is here close by. It's getting easier to talk about old times with "Papa Roy" with my boys so that they will remember things about him. Happy is where I'm trying to be now, and for the most part I think I am. Who wouldn't be with knowing what we know, I'll see him again!

Roy's Disease of Love

 

"Cancer is a disease of love because you get to have time to say goodbye." - Leland Roy. 

My Dad said that we all knew what we were going to face in this life and we still happily awaited to come to earth.  He knew that he must have signed up for this, although slightly regretting it now he said as he chuckled.  But now I'm so glad that he doesn't have to suffer anymore.  My Dad went back to his Heavenly Father yesterday.  He was able to be surrounded by his family, all his sons and daughters home, and given a blessing by his sons.  He's had countless blessings throughout his fight, but my brother Ryan was able to come home from England on Friday and so for the first time in 3 years, all of us kids were together with him.  He led a great life, married the most wonderful women in the world, raised 8 great kids and has loved and enjoyed the life of 24 grandkids. 

I sure miss this guy:

 

 

He loved holding his grandbabies and always did so much with them, and my boys.

 

 

Papa Roy with Tatton

 

 

 

Papa Roy with Lincoln

 

 

Papa Roy with Harrison

 

 

 

 

 

And Papa Roy with Ethan. 

He was a wonderful Dad and a true Grandpa at heart and I hope my boys will be able to remember him like I will.

 



Ethan Roy

 

Introducing our newest young man to the family!  

 This little guy is already over two weeks!  We've been been so busy with our family of 4 boys that I haven't had time to post about him!  Tatton has been a big helper, especially for Mommy, Lincoln is protective of him and likes to hold Ethan and Harrison loves him almost too much. He is kissing and holding "baby" as much as we'll let him.  The boys couldn't come and see him in the hospital because it was still flu season by hospital policies, I was probably bummed the most.  So when we hot home we had 3 pretty excited boys...

 

 

Unfortunately they all were still a little sickly so we got to do the whole mask thing for the first few days, but they looked cute and were troopers about it!  

Ethan's been a good baby, eating, pooping and sleeping, and we've been enjoying having such a precious little guy in our home again!